Beneath my Beautiful...

Beneath your beautiful. Beneath my beautiful.

What is beneath my beautiful...really?

Who am I behind the mask that I fake for everyone around me? It's not so much the makeup that I hide behind, or the clothes, or the hair. I'm comfortable one way or the other; with or without stuff artistically enhancing my face, stylishly dressed up or wearing baggy sweatpants and an over-sized t-shirt, or with my hair nicely styled or stuck in a ponytail. (If anything I prefer the loose, comfy, and effortless over the other.) Now don't get me wrong, I definitely love to dress up, and I love to look nice, but it's not where I find my identity. Those aren't the things that I'm afraid of being seen without.

So...what is?

My persona. My confidence. My drive, my independence, my talents. The self-confident belief that I can do whatever I set my mind to. Not so much from pride, but from a factual knowledge of what I believe I'm capable of. I'm afraid, so desperately afraid, to be seen for the inner person that hides underneath all those. It's those things, those characteristics and traits that have defined me, that I'm terrified to ever walk out the door without.

Let's be real here; I'm insecure underneath my confidence, (who isn't?!) and I despise it. I mean, hate, abhor, detest, and loathe it. (Maybe those words will give you a hint of an idea.) I'm terrified of people seeing my insecurity. It makes me feel helpless, like I'm swimming in an endless sea that's always a second away from drowning me, and there's not a single thing I can do. It makes me feel weak, and out of control. I hate feeling like I can't control myself and my emotions. I hate feeling like other people control them, and I hate knowing they see my “weakness” underneath all my armor.

What's underneath my beautiful? A girl wandering around, a little bit lost. A girl who's very capable and skilled, but who desperately wants to be lead, not lead. A girl who's afraid of being lonely, but afraid that if she shows what's beneath everyone will turn away. What's underneath is not so beautiful, you see.

It's vulnerable, and uncomfortable, and insecure, and just a little afraid. It's weak sometimes, bending to the wishes of others instead of standing up for it's own standards.

Beneath, I get weary of being so tough on the outside.

But I don't know who else to show.

I don't know what to be or what to do without that strength, confidence, drive, and independence. It's the only thing I know, and the only way I know how to get places. With it I gain respect because of what I can accomplish, and it slowly becomes my identity. I fear being seen without it; I hardly know what I am without it. But beneath it is someone much more vulnerable and afraid than I would ever show.

Beneath my Broadway show you'll hear a girl say, “Please, don't hurt me”

That's what I'm afraid to ever take off. You will see me with no makeup, with my hair greasy, and wearing gym shorts. But rarely will you ever see me out of control of myself and my emotions. Rarely will you see me let down my wall of confidence and strength to the vulnerable, weak, scared self underneath.

I've carried on so long, I couldn't stop if I tried. I've built my walls so high, no one can climb them. 

           But will you try?

Underneath my beautiful I long for someone to scale that wall and top the terrace mounted above. If you dare, let me warn you; it's not truly beautiful.

But help me, please help me take it off and see what's beneath my perfect.

Will you climb atop my ivory tower? Will you hold my hand so we can jump right out? We'll be falling, but that's OK; because you'll be right there.

I'll let you see beneath my beautiful. I'll let you see beneath my perfect. I'll take it off now, boy, I'll take it off, 'cause you wanna see what's inside. I ain't perfect, I ain't perfect...

...but I'll let you see beneath my beautiful tonight.